Shadows

The shadows. They never go away. A constant presence gouging its claws into my soul, never giving up an inch of room. People say that when you’re at death’s door, your life blazes before your eyes. Your entire existence explained in just a few shots: your memories, your regrets, all of it. But I disagree. All I see is the shadows. The lingering reminder that there is nothing more in this world for me.

Sometimes I see figures, light-colored patches buzzing around my bed. There’s usually tears, whispers for me to hold on -- but I ignore it. Soon, the tears flowed away and the whispers muted. The shadows hold me company and I know that one day, they will let me join their ranks. It is just a matter of time.

On a day when even the sun was afraid to show its face, the shadows let me listen. A minor connection with the world I was shut out from for so long. My straining ears desperately clutched at snippets of conversation: “no more time… therapists for hire… no cure… I am truly sorry.”

A wail, dripping in heartbreak and sorrow, erupted in front of me before I locked myself away. For a while after, I heard nothing. Just a stifling silence. Some may call it shock, but I know -- everyone knew -- how my story ends. The shadows danced with joy. I could even say one smiled. They were ready to make me one of their own.

A mournful whisper cracked through my defenses, a crevice in the never-ending desolation. “Please… please God, I am begging you… save my little girl.” I could feel the shadows’ grin as they peered down at the woman kneeling by my bed.

There is no God, they seemed to say. There is nothing more in this world for your daughter. The oppressive silence continues. I faintly sense a figure calling the woman away. When the sobbing got too much for me, I floated away. Away from all this sadness, away from the misery, away from the pain.

The next time I resurfaced to the world of the living, I caught a glimpse of something foreign in the cell they call my room. A movement, so faint I could have thought it up. What was it? Curiosity tugged distantly, but I was tired. My ticking stopwatch of a heart only has a few minutes left. I wonder if the shadows will welcome me. I catch a glimpse of a white wing. I wonder who would live in this cell after me. A man-sized figure glided into my peripheral view. I wonder how long my family will miss me. A gold light flared in a circle above the man’s head. He looked at me and was gone.

I felt something then, a sense of warmth deep in my soul where the darkness dwells. The next few minutes were a blur. A woman in white hurried in. Many more white splotches crowding around a machine. My family being rushed into the room. Tears. Confusion. Disbelief. Laughter. The smiles. The smiles were everywhere: seeping into all the hideaways the shadows used to lurk. And the shadows.

The shadows were gone.